


Schrodinger's Matt

by curiobi



Series: The Original Vampire Diaries Armada [4]
Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Alaric defends damon's dick!, Alaric is pretty much drunk, Bonnie is sarcastic and full or witchy woo - I like it, Can't blab the spoilers! Please just read it, Certain people get told about themselves so they can Deal with it ;D, Damon is a sarcastic barstad, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Gregor is a bastard, Gregor is not best pleased, Hot Sex, It is dirty and you want it, Jeremy is scared for life, M/M, Matt Donovan is hot, Matt is confused, Matt is in shock and needs Brandy, Nadia Petrova is confused, Please give Kudos generously, Stephan is a little too preachy, Stuck in another persons body and not in the fun way, payback is a bitch, the vampire diaries - Freeform, touching licking stroking sucking all the good stuff, tvd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-08-09 06:05:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7789543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiobi/pseuds/curiobi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Schrodinger's Matt means something can be considered both alive and dead at the same time. (According to a sociopathic scientist with nothing better to do than imprison and otherwise harass innocent felines, <i>for shame!</i>)<br/>
In this scenario, it pertains to the fact Mattie Blue could be considered both alive and dead when that dirty body snatcher Gregor was jammed into his body by Nadia.<br/>
<i>(full disclosure: I will use this tasteless joke about our favourite Mattie Blue one more time in another fic (because apparently I have no shame!) ;D <i></i></i></p><p>However, for this story. Matt has had his body highjacked by the traveller Gregor and intensely sexual high jinks ensue.</p><p>
  <b>
    <span class="font-sweetcoral">curiobi <strong><span class="font-gold"> @</span><span class="font-green">~</span><span class="font-red">.</span><span class="font-green">~</span><span class="font-gold">@</span></strong></span>
  </b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gregor

**Author's Note:**

> Stuck in the body of this pretty American child, Pah! This Matt was a mere boy compared to him- and yet this boy had the nerve to lay with his Nadia! **She had betrayed him with this boy** , killed him and forced him into this boy's body, because no matter how much she lied he could see it clearly, she desired this boy; desired the sunshine and sky of his shining golden hair and blue eyes, desired the strength of his well-muscled body and the way it felt to have his impressive endowment inside her. She could lie all she wanted but he knew the truth, **she was taken with a mortal boy** , and now every time he looked in a mirror **the one she betrayed him with was staring back at him** \- so if this boy's pretty doe-eyed love upon seeing him wounded begins to attend him, believing him to be this Matt, then whatever he does with her is simple payback, no? 
> 
> ...
> 
> _Or the one where a certain elusive smarty pants F's it up big time and has no one to blame but herself!_
> 
> ### 
> 
> Look, Matt Donovan is HOT, those eyes! -and a scene with him and Jer is why I started watching the show I didn't know anything about it, I just wanted the blonde one to get on the dark haired one in the worst way! Matt has virtually limitless pairing potential, and when he was hijacked by a traveller, was I supposed to just let that slide o_O? I could not let all that hotness go unremarked upon! ;O _I had to do something!_ ;D so here it is!
> 
> ** curiobi **@ ~.~@** **

Gregor toyed with the knife in his hand, displaying the blood trailing from the wound he had just made; this would send a message to the brat whose body he was currently inhabiting.

_ _

_Damn Nadia to hell for doing this to him!_

‘Matt? Matt, are you there? You sounded out of it on the phone earlier so I came to check on you’.

Gregor gripped the knife tighter as Katarina Petrova walked in. He could kill her now and complete his mission, and Nadia would never have to know that he'd killed her long lost mother… _not that he cared what she thought anymore._

‘Matt, are you okay?’

_Something wasn't right..._

‘Matt there you are why didn't you answer me- Oh my god you're bleeding what happened?!’

He gripped the knife tighter behind his back with his other hand, and watched ready to strike as she approached... _something wasn't right_ , Katarina Petrova only cared about herself, she wouldn't show this much concern about some human who was barely more than a child to her.

‘Matt’ Katarina whispered, ‘What's wrong, has something happened? Please let me help you, we have to stop the bleeding’. She touched him and the brats body went into instant overdrive… _from such a simple touch?_ So that was it, this wasn't Katarina this was the doppelganger Elena, and by his reaction, this boy was clearly in love with her, or in lust with her at any rate.

She was pretty enough he supposed scrutinising her, but she would probably have to die as well- not that it was any of his concern, he had his orders and it wasn't a soldier's place to question Marko’s orders.

‘Matt you're scaring me, please say something’.

He couldn't say anything, as she bandaged his hand, he didn't know how to make himself sound like this golden American boy, he was a soldier, not an actor.

‘Matt please, what's wrong? why won't you talk to me?’ Tears spilled from her doe brown eyes and it was like the boy’s entire body wrapped itself around her against his will- was the boy fighting him? …no, it was… how to say it, it was sense memory, humph, clearly unlike the women in his tribe this female was weak and given to displays of tears, and this boy was clearly so used to being her hero his body reacted to her distress on instinct… or was it more than that, was it simply that the boy was so in love with her he couldn’t stand to see her upset…

Unlike this child he was inhabiting, he wasn’t a mere boy barely on the cusp of adult life, he was a centuries old battle weary soldier, and for him there was no solace, no peace, no home, just unrelenting war with those that sought to suppress his people and destroy their spirit by denying them a home and forcing them to wonder the world as outcasts, cursed for all eternity.

Markos was a great leader, he would change that, but for the moment, Markos wasn't here, the war wasn't here, Nadia wasn't here, and this female was young, soft, and beautiful in a way that Katarina wasn't, maybe because unlike him, Katarina and even Nadia, despite all he knew had befallen her, this Elena seemed neither jaded or bitter.

Gregor sighed, no he wasn't about to become yet another male ensnared by the doppelgangers sway over men. Klaus, Elijah, Stefan, Damon, and even this Matt were all enamoured of one doppelganger or the other if not both, _well not him_ , no he was just the fool embroiled with a Doppelganger's daughter he thought bitterly; well no more, enough was enough, he was through with Nadia, and what better way to prove it then… Elena’s doe eyes widened in surprised as he kissed her soft lips.

He was expecting all kinds of resistance so he was surprised when she sighed and leaned into him murmuring ‘Matt we shouldn't’.

For a moment he was suspicious was this Katarina after all? Was she playing him? … but which one of them? She couldn't know about him unless Nadia had betrayed him again which was possible, but she'd said ' _Matt we shouldn't-'_ was Katarina involved with this boy? Was she using him for something because he had everybody’s love and trust? … it was possible-

‘-We agreed we'd tell Stephan and Damon first, and then Caroline and-

-He kissed her again, _so it **was** Elena. _ She had chosen him over her vampire lovers… this was interesting, but ultimately it wasn't any concern of his, and if she wasn't going to put up a fight all the better, it really wasn't his style to use force, not that he'd been necessarily planning too but he had been set to have some fun with her warm, lithe, yet surprisingly curvy little body.

‘Matt, we-

He placed his fingers to her lips, she wouldn't stop talking and he couldn't so it was better he put her mouth to better use pleasing him… but would Matt do that with her?- and if he didn't would she accept it? She had this sheltered, good girl vibe about her, that even having two vampire lovers hadn't seemed to shake from her; well, he had a little time before he had to get to the next phase of his assignment and Elena had clearly snuck away from her ever-present vampires to come and see her former now present lover so…

He ran his hands over her curvy body, noticing again how big this boy’s hands were, and not just his hands, his feet were like flippers they were so large, and as for the rest of him, well it would be interesting to see how he fit inside her, because the first time he'd awoken in this body and Nadia had wanted to be with him to prove the ‘shell’ didn't Matter, she'd enjoyed it way more than she had with him, proving two things when her face lit up as he slid inside her, one she'd enjoyed her ‘mission’ to get hold of the Gilbert ring for whatever Marko wanted it for far too much, and two no matter how women lied, _bigger was clearly better._

Elena moaned a little and moved into the kiss and he decided to speed things up because this Matt kids body was about to explode, it wanted in Elena now, and he wasn't about to argue. He fisted her long hair which suddenly reminded him of Nadia, they were technically related he supposed, then tramped down his thoughts of her because he had a pressing matter to attend to.

Elena's body was a work of art he thought as he stripped her down, clearly rougher than she was used to, or more likely rougher than she was used to from her precious Matt. He briefly considered dialling it down a bit, then thought, why bother, this was going to become his body permanently soon enough, and he was gong to enjoy this Elena as himself, he just had to make sure he didn't cross the line into suspicion- besides she liked it he could tell, he could smell her, and all of a sudden he was eager to taste her because it had been too long since he'd had his head buried between Nadia's taunt thighs, pleasuring her until she begged him to come into her.

He sank to his knees, pushing up her skirt as he ripped the panties aside enjoying the way Elena cried out as he swiftly entered her with his tongue.

‘Oh god Matt yes, I love it when you do that to me’.

Elena's knees buckled and he suppressed a chuckle because she had no tolerance, no backbone, she was pliant where his Nadia would be demanding, wrapping her legs around his face and demanding he give her, what was her due.

He picked Elena up easily, this Matt kid was strong, and she weighed barely anything, his Nadia had a sturdier body, but it was equally beautiful. He laid Elena on the bed, suddenly wishing she was someone else, but this body was on fire for her and this was no chore because she was beautiful and enticing and he wanted more of her, so he speared her with the boy’s tongue again and again until she started convulsing, gasping and contracting around his tongue, she was coming already… no tolerance, either she simply wasn't pleasured enough the right way or this was beyond her endurance. Perhaps to her this kid was some kind of secret stud that really got her, _the wretched boy had apparently certainly been so for his Nadia!_

For this Elena he thought it was more likely she just lacked experience; well, he had centuries, he was older than her, this Matt kid, and both her boy-vampire lovers combined, and since he'd been forced to study the lives of his targets he knew everything about her, which was why he knew they and this boy were all the sexual experience she had, _well she was about to have something better._

‘Please, please’ she was whimpering as he ran his experienced tongue up her body and suckled her breasts, squeezing them both in the boy's large hands so he could run his tongue over both stiffened peaks and draw more cries of pleasure from her.

‘Matt please, god please’ she was moaning- it was even starting to get to him, and this Matt boy had been ready to explode from the moment she first touched him. It was only his expertise and determination to enjoy this rare moment of comfort that was delaying things.

‘Matt please’ she whimpered as he kissed his way back down her body determined to make her wait, while he tasted her again. The soft skin of her sweet thighs were rubbing against his cheeks as he feasted on her, her back arching as her hands came to tug at the boy’s hair and her taste and scent intensified, deeper, wetter, and he wondered if the boy could make her come so easily or was it him?- either way, she was almost ready for him, from his exploration of her with his tongue he knew she was extremely tight, and the boy was huge and getting harder, so he wanted her wetter as he slid a finger inside her warmth while he nibbled her clitoris, which made her scream out the boy’s name begging and pleading for him as she got so wet he was able to add a second finger, able to scissor his fingers inside her getting her ready so he could go inside her without hurting her.

‘Matt please I'm ready, I promise, I'm ready’ she whimpered. Hmmm, so the boy knew to do this with her to avoid splitting her in half, well he knew things the body didn't know he would wager as he slid his tongue into her while scissoring her.

She cried out again and again as he mimicked fucking her but denied her the real thing and she struggled up and away from him. He was about to go after her to smack her curvy little ass and continue teaching her lessons, when she suddenly dove on him as he knelt up so he went sailing backwards and almost off the bed. She kissed and bit her way down his body and took him into her mouth without hesitation, the boy’s body started shaking as if this was unfamiliar to him and his eyes slammed shut because had he been wrong about her! She knew what she was doing, and if she kept doing it, neither he nor the boy were going to last.

He pulled her off him and she practically growled at him, who knew she was a wildcat in bed? He actually liked it, as he manhandled her into position and straddled her face and she sucked him hard, biting and tormenting, and moaning deep in her throat. She wasn't shocked and she wasn't hesitant, she wanted this Matt. He'd thought this was about her sweet first love and her vampire boyfriends disappointing her in some way or the other, but she had explosive adult combustion with this boy, he was rarely surprised by anything anymore, it was one of the drawbacks of living so long among mortals who always repeated the same patterns, the technology changed but the actions remained the same, and after a while it felt as if you had seen pretty much everything; but he still hadn't expected this, and to think he'd thought he'd have to seduce and coerce her- gods damn he was close! he had to make her stop.

'Now' she demanded as he slid from her mouth, 'right now'. She pulled his head down for a heated kiss and he rearranged himself on top of her, sliding the boy’s hard member over her warm stomach and in between her thighs.

The boy was so hard he barely needed his hands to guide him, which were occupied with her breasts, and sliding under her curvaceous ass to tilt her to him, he lined himself up and looked into her eyes as he pushed hard into her. She was even tighter than before, some women got like that after an orgasm and he'd given her two, but it was making things difficult.

 _Relax_ _Elena_ , _open up for me,_ _so I can make us both feel good,_ he wanted to purr into her ear, but he couldn't use his voice, because it wasn't the voice of her precious Matt, and she would know something was wrong, that it was him fucking her, not her precious boy Matt making love to her; then again, maybe this Matt took her the way he was going to, hard and long, it seemed like it judging by events so far as he kissed her hard and slammed forward swallowing her shout of pleasure and pain, his hips rocking back and forth pistoning into her and it was, good, _good_ , **_good_**. Her arms came around him and she cried out for him as he kissed along her ear and hairline and pounded into her.

‘Matt yes, yes Matt yes’ she cried out and he forgot about being gentle and gave her this boy’s body without holding back because she was a clearly a woman in this way, not the girl he had mistaken her for and she could take it. He tilted her hips further so he was rubbing against her clitoris, revelling in the soft patch of curls, and how she was tightening around him even further, she was close and he pulled out for a moment so he could watch the desperation on her face, loving the sweet way she begged him to put himself back inside her as he rubbed the boy’s hard cock over her damp little clitoris teasing her, cutting off her whimpers and cries and protests with a hard kiss as he rammed back inside her and her body arched to him as she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist. He yelled out as she clawed the boy’s back, because he craved such sweet pain that told him he was alive, revelled in her abandoned moans and cries as her body contracted around him demanding his seed, and he had a split second to realise he'd completely forgotten about protection and what were the odds she was using any when she had been turned and both her boyfriends were sterile vampires? damn he should have thought of that because the pure earth magic of his race made them able to create life in the most impossible of circumstances, it was one of their gifts, and he hadn't uttered the enchantment to prevent it happening, and it was too late now, because his ability to speak or even think was being eradicated as she contracted fiercely around him crying out the boy’s name, and the boy’s body gave up his seed over and over again, while he bit his lower lip struggling not to speak the words of his native tongue, because she was giving him so much pleasure, as her body went rigid and he knew he was pushing her past her endurance but he didn't care, she was exquisite in this moment and he wanted her to take it.

‘I love you so much Matt she breathed in his ear’. The boy loved her too, that much was obvious, it would be difficult for her when he took this body and her precious Matt died but- Pain exploded in his back and he struggled in disbelief, had she just… no, no this couldn't be happening, his mission wasn't completed it couldn't end like this, Nadia… **_Nadia_** _._


	2. Mattie Blue

…Elena? What the hell, why are we naked? … did we just? oh god, I'm… I'm _inside you’,_ Matt's voice was shaky, ‘I'm not complaining but why am I? - God Elena _don't move_ , I'm only human and this is killing me’.

Elena took Matt's face in her hands, ‘I had to Matt okay, I overheard Nadia and whoever was inside your body, someone she called Gregor talking outside the grill, Nadia was making this his permanent body today, the spell had already been cast, and you would have just been gone, dead, I couldn't let that happen and there was no time, I knew there was only one way to stop it so I did what I had to, to save you’.

Matt stared down into Elena's eyes, he was in love with her, he'd always been in love with her, but he'd resigned himself to the fact she was in love with the Salvatore brothers, both of them, and he'd moved on… or so he thought, but this, being inside her like this, his body still trembling, not from adrenaline, not from the blade which he'd barely felt, but from this, from feeling how hot and wet she was, _he could feel everything._ ‘Elena what the hell have you done? he's not… I mean I'm not wearing a-

‘-Vampire remember?’ You don't have to worry, and it wasn't like I was planning on this, I planned to get the knife from him and use it, but I had to outsmart him to get close enough to strike, and then he kissed me and well- it's still you, still your body and it isn't like we haven’t done this before, I mean we were each other’s firsts’.

‘I thought I was dreaming… having the best dream ever but it was like someone else had control of my body and was doing everything I wanted to do to you, and making you like it, I could never make you like it the way he… _this is crazy_ I don't know whether I should be jealous or grateful he's dead or what to feel, I-

-Elena surprised him by kissing him.

‘How about we stop talking’.

‘Yeah you're right I should move-

‘-That’s not what I meant. Matt, do you love me?’

‘Elena come on you know the answer to that’.

‘Well, I love you too you know that right?’

‘Yes I know that but you're not _in_ love with me, you're in love with-

-Elena put her fingers to his lips. ‘I want it to be me and you right now, I don't want to think about anything else, I just want it to be me and you, just like this, can we please talk about everything else later’.

'Elena Damon would _kill_ me if he found out’.

‘Little late to worry about that now…

‘ _Elena, please don't do this to me,_ I'm… in love with you, I always have been, I probably always will be, I can't just walk away when this is over and watch you go back to them, do you understand, it would destroy me Elena, far worse than anything Damon Salvatore could ever do to me’.

‘What if I said you didn't have to, what if I choose you?’

‘Elena, please’.

‘Kiss me Matt, make it all go away, make me feel good, please, I want you to, you love me, you want me too’.

He kissed her just like she wanted and was lost, he knew it as he hardened inside her again, moving hard and fast, holding nothing back because she was ready for him, taking him like she never could before.  
When he'd taken her virginity he'd tried not to hurt her but he had, _badly_ \- he'd been a virgin too and hadn't had the skill to make the first time good for her. His inexperience and size had made sex uncomfortable for her because they didn't fit together without a lot of preparation, he'd tried his best to learn ways to make it good for her, and she'd come to like it when he prepared her for him with his tongue, but he always felt like sex was his reward afterwards not that she truly wanted it, and he was pretty sure he only really made her come with his tongue- but this was different, it was like she was on fire for him, so hot, and wet, and so damn tight, she was gripping him inside her, driving him mad as she came because for the first time she was coming from having him inside her.

‘Elena’ he moaned as he came so hard his entire body was shaking, and god this was better than any of his past dreams where she came to him and told him she loved him and was coming back to him, because this was real and in this moment he didn't care about the consequences, because he had the love of his life in his arms, and he could only hope it wasn’t a mad fevered dream, he'd been losing time lately, but that must have been down to the freak who’d been hijacking his body before Elena risked everything to save him. ‘I'm coming so hard for you’ he moaned in her ear because his climax wouldn’t end, it was more intense than anything he'd ever experienced before ‘tell me you love me’ he ground out desperately ‘ _I need to hear you say it’_

 _‘I love you Matt’_ she rasped ‘please don't stop, please keep going, that’s it, that’s it, oh god you're making me come again, so big, you're amazing, feels so good’.

She'd never said anything like this to him before; he'd waited so long to- but what if after this she- ‘You left me, you can't again, I can't, I love you too much’.

‘Ahh Matt so good, you're so damn good’.

‘Love you Elena, love touching you, holding you, love it so much, _love you so damn much’_ he moaned his eyes rolling into the back of his head as he collapsed over her.


	3. Oh come on, you knew it was coming! ;D

Katherine squinted up at the sunlight which was now an enemy in a new way, once certain death without a daylight ring, now it meant certain wrinkles from UV damage. She shielded her face from the sun and sunlight and preened her hair, disgusted when she noticed another patch of white. She yanked it out in frustration and tossed it across the room.

Mattie Blue was blissfully passed out, the adrenaline from having sex, then being stabbed with a magical dagger to get a traveller out of his body, and then having sex again had clearly taken its toll on him. Men were such idiots, and so easy to manipulate with sex **_thank god._** And yes poor Mattie would be distraught when he figured out Elena had been tucked up in bed with Damon all day and hadn't been anywhere near him, but she was the indomitable Katherine Peirce, who’d done legendary horrible things to survive; and Gregor was out to kill her, not to mention the bit where he was trying to date her daughter, as if she would allow any daughter of hers to get mixed up with the same people responsible for separating them in the first place, not to mention this Gregor was nothing but a lowly foot soldier, a worthless body snatching minion, who wasn’t nearly good enough for Nadia; simply put, **_Gregor had to go_** , and for once it was for more than just the usual craven self-preservation, killing Gregor had also been a good motherly deed.

So sweet Mattie blue would be a little heartbroken, but he'd get over it, it wasn’t like he hadn't been through all this with Elena ditching him before, and once he figured out it wasn’t actually Elena in his bed she and Nadia would be long gone, no doubt leaving Matt facing a very pissed off Damon when he found out Matt was trying to steal Elena from him, and if she knew Damon and she did, the fact that it was her and not Elena after all wouldn't really save Matt from a neck Snapping. Oh well Matt did have that handy little Gilbert Ring that protected him from Death by Supernatural Creatures, and even if he didn’t it wasn’t like Saint Elena would ever let Damon seriously hurt him; everyone knew Mattie Blue was Elena's favourite, she turned it back on for him after all, which actually meant he was a way bigger deal to her than the Salvatore brothers or even Saint Elena herself seemed to realise. Seriously, they were all idiots who never would have survived as long as she had if their positions were reversed and they were the ones with an insane hybrid chasing them through the centuries.

Katherine yawned and stretched admiring Matt's muscular back and the golden sheen of his skin. Maybe one-day Saint Elena would ditch the pristine princess routine -because frankly it was getting old- and take Matt as a lover again, after all, immortality meant having anything you want, and as a mortal Matt would only live and more importantly be this hot for so long, so if she was smart she would hop back on this particular blonde gravy train while he was still young and epically smoking hot.

Hmmm, she thought touching his golden blonde hair as he slept, wishing she could look into those amazing azure blue eyes of his one more time as he was using that huge dick of his to give her some of the best pleasure she had ever had, _and as a lifelong hedonist that was saying something,_ but there wasn’t enough time for another go round, she had to make herself scarce… just as soon as her now stupid human body stopped acting like it had been hammered too hard to move! God, this was ridiculous as a vampire she could have gone all night!

‘I'm sorry Mattie’ she murmured, dragging herself out of bed and dressing while trying to ignore her shaking legs. ‘I know you're going to be mad at me, but you did get some pretty epic sex out of the situation, so maybe you should just be thankful for that’.

Actually, he was damn lucky she had a tiny little soft spot for him. She could just as easily have killed him to get rid of Gregor, and it wasn’t like she had any other choice but to take Gregor out because seriously, while dying of rapid aging due to your bitch doppelganger ramming a mystical immortality cure down your throat, and your whipped ex-boyfriend feeding you to a desiccated two-thousand-year-old blood drinking Witch, who sucked the cure out of you leaving you a potential corpse-to-be was one thing; being offed by some low ranking traveller jerk hijacking a quarterbacks body was quite another: In short **_no frigging way_** , she was the elusive Katherine Pierce, after all, she had a reputation to uphold, she couldn’t die at the hands of some lowly pawn in a demented traveller chess game.

If she was honest she had been perfectly willing to sacrifice Matt if she had to, but when Gregor had put his arms around her at her fake display of distress and she felt him hardening up against her and getting way more into the role of playing Matt Donovan than was necessary, she’d realised there could be another way to deal with the upstart Gregor, one that didn't involve killing Matt in the process. Thankfully Gregor really was stupid enough to believe that Elena would leave her current favourite Salvatore for Matt, and she’d seized upon the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, or in this case mystical knife, all she had to do was play along with his ridiculous seduction and she could get rid of Gregor when he was otherwise distracted and cross having Mattie blue of her bucket list, the fact that Gregor and Matt were both epic in bed had just been the icing on the assassin’s cake.

Nadia would probably be pissed about her killing Gregor _so she wasn't going to tell her._ It wasn’t like there was any evidence he was dead, the wound from the mystical blade had already healed because if used correctly it didn’t seriously harm or even scar the host body. All she had to do was tell Nadia she had no idea why Gregor had left Matt's body, and plant the idea in her mind that he'd abandoned her because of his mission, he was a minion after all and minions followed orders. Then she would carefully play up that angle so Nadia would realise she could do better than a toadying body snatching little servant that just up and left her when he was told.

In was a shame that they couldn't take Mattie blue on the road with them, he would definitely be a fun distraction- although given his past relationship with Nadia it might be just a little too much hedonism even for her taste. On the other hand, what use exactly was a hot stallion like Donovan if you couldn’t ride him whenever you wanted?

Time, she thought tiredly as she let herself out of Matt's home dressed in Elena’s boring clothes, became very precious when there was little left of it. By this time tomorrow she and Nadia who insisted on not giving up, that there were still things they hadn't tried to save her life, would be on the road. Personally, she didn’t hold out any real hope that she could be saved. But she found she was surprisingly up for a last hurrah in the form of a road trip with her long-lost daughter, and bonus, for the first time since she was a human girl of only seventeen, Klaus damn Mikaelson wouldn’t be chasing her now that her doppelganger blood had been corrupted by the cure and couldn't help him sire hybrids, and he was finally content in his revenge now that he knew she was suffering and dying horribly.

 _It made her so mad that he got to live!_ Klaus wasn’t any better than her, in fact, he was far worse, he'd butchered her family and turned her into the person she was by forcing her to run for her life for _Five centuries_. If there was any justice he would die a death even more horrible than what was in store for her, but there was no such thing as justice and fair, she of all people knew that. She could only hope that like her his sins caught up to him _and he got what was coming to him, **big time.**_ ****

She squinted up at the sun, hating that she had to look both ways as she crossed the road. Some of the local Mystic Falls sheeple recognised Elena and waved, and she had to suppress her laughter as she waved back, _because Gregor and Matt had made a complete mess of her_ , and now thanks to her actions "Elena" had been spotted leaving Matt Donovan’s home at suspicious o clock in the morning wearing the same clothes she had on yesterday and doing the walk of shame no less. Ooooh, y _okel tongues would wag_ for sure! in fact, she’d wager they already were, and for a moment she really wished she could stick around for the inevitable and no doubt hilarious fallout, but sadly there was no time.

 _She also wished she’d called Nadia to pick her up_ , but that would probably give away the whole killing Gregor thing, and as it was she was going to have to pretend she’d spent the night with Stefan because she’d done it before and Nadia would believe that.

She yawned and flagged down a taxi, missing the days she could just compel someone to take her anywhere she wanted for free, _having to pay sucked_ , and she was always forgetting to bring cash out with her because she hadn't needed to for so long.

Her whole body was tired as she settled into the back of the warm taxi in the hazy morning sunshine trying not to fall asleep. What she wouldn't give to be able to vamp speed into a hot bath with a cool glass of Bourbon right now. Oh well, she would reach Nadia's place soon, both bath and Bourbon were there, after which the open road awaited, and if, when all was said and done, there really was no way for her to survive, _the Illustrious Katherine Pierce would go out on her own terms,_ **_and as expected of her it would be in spectacular fashion._**


	4. Alright you damn mole person! I'm sorry I slept with and then killed your boyfriend(s)!

Katherine threw a lamp at Nadia as she laughed for the third time in a row _which was three more times than her nerves could take!_ Nadia caught the lamp with her annoying vamp-speed and set on the table while still laughing, like it was nothing; _like she hadn't hurled the damn thing it with all her might._

‘My own mother, pregnant by a what did you call him?’ Nadia laughed with her thickly accented voice ‘A high school jock yes? a boy who is thousands of years younger than you’.

‘Hundreds you little bitch’ Katherine snapped bolting for the bathroom and throwing up in spectacular fashion while still trying to yell _‘hundreds **not thousands!’**_

#  ** ********************* **

There was _absolute silence_ at the Salvatore boarding house as Katherine delivered her news to a stunned Bonnie. She had tried to meet with her in private away from everyone else, but for some reason the little witch bitch didn’t trust her, and in the past that may have been rightfully so, but she was human now, helpless, god, where was the trust? And it only got worse, when she’d turned up to the boarding house, -the only place Bonnie agreed to meet with her and the wretched scene of her attempted/still possible murder by Damon and the dopple-bitch -and everyone had been at the damn house waiting for her _as if she’d come to speak to any of them!_

Elena and Caroline had buzzed around Bonnie like particularly annoying hornets and refused to allow Bonnie to speak with her alone, and it wasn’t like she could afford to waste time, she needed Bonnie's help _**now**_ ; so she just told everyone, and now bam, all jaws were on the floor, Bonnie's mouth was open wide enough to catch files, and guess what, NO ONE WAS FRIGGING HELPING HER WITH HER CURRENT, RATHER DAMN SERIOUS, PROBLEM, seriously what did a girl have to do to get some timely assistance from these idiots?

‘Alright, yes it's shocking, and unexpected and whatever, but stranger things have happened, I mean he's human and currently so am I so it's not actually that strange, apart from the five-hundred-year-old ex-vampire, currently dying of evil bitch poison forcefully administered by, you guessed it, _an evil bitch._ Well, isn't anyone going to say anything useful? Bonnie close your mouth before a bird flies into it. I came to you for help, now will you snap out of it and help me’.

Sooo the assorted idiots clearly still needed time to process, _like she cared_ , it was Bonnie’s help she needed, unfortunately Bonnie looked _furious_. Damon and Nadia, seemed to find it hilarious however,  and Matt, who Nadia had taken it upon herself to call to the house, well… he didn’t look so good, all the colour had drained out of his face for one thing, and ashen grey was so not his best look even with those beautiful eyes.

‘Look, Bonnie, I know you're very powerful, at least some of the time, and I just need you to keep me alive long enough to have this baby, that’s all I'm asking, is there anything you can do Bonnie? Please this is serious’.

‘look, er first I need to know if this is even possible, there's a spell I can do to confirm this’.

‘A magical pregnancy test? Bonnie I already took a dozen actual tests, you know the ones that work with _science’_.

‘Yes but they don’t confirm paternity’.

‘I resent that Bonnie, what the hell do I have to gain by making up a humiliating story like this?’

‘Getting me to help you stay alive longer because it’s Matt’s kid’.

‘Oh well you got me there. Okay what do you need?’

‘Just a little of your blood and a strand of your hair, I need the same from Matt too’.

‘Hey has anyone noticed how Matt looks like he's about to go into- yep’ Damon Drawled waving his hand in front of Matt’s unresponsive face, ‘no _going to_ about it, he’s in shock alright’.

‘I'm the one having the baby and he's in shock’ Katherine snorted in disgust _‘Way to make it all about you Mattie!’_

Damon literally poured a stiff bourbon down Matt’s throat. Matt gulped it down coughing and wheezing his eyes widening in horror as he slumped in a chair looking shell shocked.

‘Katherine what is wrong with you Stefan’ murmured as Caroline took some of Matt's blood and plucked a few strands of his blonde hair while he didn’t even seem to notice. ‘You’ve done some seriously evil things in your day,  _but this,_ how could you drag an innocent child into this, and Matt's just a kid himself, he’s not ready to be a parent, how could you do this to him? You’re _going to ruin his life_ ’.

‘Oh _this_ from a man sleeping with a girl the same age, _don't lecture me Stephan’._

‘First off, we were in love, I wasn’t just sleeping with her’.

‘Spare me’ Catherine snarled.

‘And second _I never got her pregnant’._

‘ _Because you **can’t**_ not because you didn’t want to! I know you Stephan, if you could have used the oldest trap in the book to tie her to you and keep her out of Damon’s bed _you would have done it in a heartbeat_ , so don’t you _dare_ play the judgmental dick with me!’

Bonnie looked from Stefan to Katherine, ‘well if you guys are done yelling at each other, I'm going to perform the ritual, I need some space and quiet so I’m going to another room, _try not to kill each other while I'm gone_ ’.

‘Everything will be fine as long as Stephan keeps his hypocrisy down to dull roar’, Katherine snarled as she and Stefan glared at each other.

Bonnie sighed and left the room.

‘This’ Katherine growled gesturing to her stomach ‘ _was an accident_ , it's not like I've had to think about protection in the last Five Hundred years- and you know what Donavan’, she snapped rounding on Matt, ‘this is all your fault, _why the hell did you have to be so damn fertile?_ I'm supposedly half dead and you still did this to me, _it's **ridiculous** ’. _

‘You're telling me Nadia’ snapped, ‘there is more than Five-Hundred-year gap between me and little brother or sister, not mentioning you are having baby with man I have taken to my bed, this is, how do you say in American, _gross_?’.

‘Yes Nadia, I'm well aware of what you think of me sleeping with your precious little canoodling buddy, but right now I could care less, _so shut about it._ I'm your mother, and I say there are bigger things to deal with right now, besides I thought you were just using him and you were done with him, I didn’t know you called dibs, in future if you like it, well you know the saying’.

‘No, what is this saying?’

Katherine sighed muttering _‘This is what happens when your child is taken from you by your judgemental ex-traveller father and raised in the back end of Eastern Europe by a tribe of mystical vagabonds_. The saying, oh judgemental instead of helpful daughter is, _if you like it then you should have put a ring on it’._

‘I am not familiar with this saying… is this joke because I took Gilbert Ring from Matt in Prague?’

‘You can't be serious it's a _song_ , you damn… _Mole person_ -

 _‘-What is Mole person?’_ Nadia demanded narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

‘Um, _Ladies,_ I think there are more important issues right now’.

‘ _Mind your own damn business Alaric’,_ Katherine Snapped, ‘ _No one’s talking to you_ ’. A Mole person is a pop-culture challenged Prague rat like yourself Nadia. I _can't believe_ we’re even related right now. I've dined with kings and Queens and fooled them all into thinking I was royalty with my grace, poise, beauty, social refinement and above all _class_. You dress like you’re in a gang, which you kind of are, and you don’t even know a popular song lyric turned proverb’.

‘-Hey’ Damon stage whispered to Stephen and Alaric ‘Does everyone’s favourite quarterback still look out of it to you?’ All three men turned and stared at Matt who was sitting on the edge of a chair shaking his head slowly as if trying to clear it, his eyes still wide and unfocused.

‘Oh, so you are saying is better to be pregnant prehistoric cradle robber, who is Princess only in her head rather than to live in Prague?’ Nadia mocked.

‘You were older than me when you were turned and you know it!’ Katharine growled ‘ _So if anyone's a prehistoric cradle robber around here-_

‘-Well this is no good’ Damon drawled ignoring the bickering women, ‘and if bourbon won't do the trick _, I know just the thing’_ \- Damon vamp sped over to Matt, grinned, and casually backhanded him. Matt flew over the back of the sofa landing hard as Elena, Caroline, and Bonnie who had just walked back into the room shrieked his name in unison. ‘Oh relax’ Damon drawled at the angry women as he hauled Matt to his feet, ‘I had to do something to snap your precious, and let’s admit it publicly, now _seriously_ _sullied_ Matt Donovan out of it after wasting good Bourbon, and look, he's back in the land of the living! _See, the system works’._

‘-I still don’t see what this has to do with Vole person’ Nadia growled.

‘ _Mole_ person’ Katherine gritted out.

‘What is difference between Mole and Vole?’ Nadia snapped.

-I don’t know Nadia, _ask a damn vet!’_ Katherine yelled then took a deep breath. ‘Would just calm down already, I'm sorry I called you a damn Mole person okay’.

‘You had better be sorry whatever Mole or Vole person is, I am not like him’.

‘Of course not’. Katherine rolled her eyes.

Nadia opened her mouth her expression murderous. ‘Enough’ Bonnie snapped before Nadia could speak. ‘I can hear you two yelling from the other room. Which part of I needed peace and quiet to perform the ritual did you not understand? Now do you two want to keep on arguing or do you want to know the results of the test?’

There was an abrupt silence as everyone turned to look at Bonnie.

Katherine waved her hand dismissively, ‘well the results are hardly going to be a surprise to me, but go ahead Bonnie, enlighten the idiots in the room’.

‘Well, as ridiculous as it sounds, you and Matt are going to be parents, so um congratulations I guess…’

‘Oh wow, what amazing news that I already knew Bonnie, now do you want to do anything on the keeping me alive long enough to give birth front or do you have more obvious that you feel the need to state?’

‘I'm going to pretend you're not insulting the only witch yet alone Bennett witch willing to help you Katherine’.

‘Thank you Bonnie’ Katherine’s sickly sweet rasp rang one hundred percent false.

'You told me this Witch is very not cool; so she is like Vole person?’

‘Oh my god would you that go! Jesus-

‘-I said enough you two! I've already started a spell Katherine, I'm waiting for Tyler to come over with a book and a talisman I need’.

‘Great dog boy that’s all we need’.

‘Not now Damon’. Bonnie snapped.

‘I say Bon-Bon, you're the only one out of your little click who hasn’t had had a ride on the Donovan express over here right? Now I'm sure you were getting round to it eventually, but word of advice, you might want to forget about it since Katherine has well and truly put her coat on it. Now it’s definitely riddled with particularly nasty old timey diseases, the bubonic plague, the pox, one of the many coloured fevers, scarlet, yellow, chartreuse, all sexually transmitted in her case of course. Katherine might have been young before she turned but that didn’t stop her banging half of Europe. And before all the feminist vamps in the room get all huffy, I’m just stating facts, as a former slut myself before being snatched off the market in my prime, I promise you there’s no slut shaming here’.

Damon remember that bit where I said not now? We have a situation here that’s not being helped by you and your ex-girlfriend constantly sniping at each other’.

‘I understand Bonnie, you’re upset, I mean there goes the future Bennet/Donavan line- It's sad really, on the other hand one dumb jock is as good as the next- Jeremy buddy looks like you're back in with a chance, um, _you are still fertile right?_ I mean you’ve been dead _so_ many times and now you’re all supernaturally roided up buffy style, and I've never heard of any of your elite hunter posse having any kids, so maybe you should have your junk checked out, you know, just in case it stopped working and you were too busy pining after a certain witchy someone instead of using it to notice’.

 _‘You're not funny Damon_ ’ Bonnie snapped.

‘ _Strongly_ disagree Bon-Bon’.

‘ _ENOUGH!_ ’ Matt suddenly bellowed making everyone turn to look at him ‘KATERINE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? How could you pretend to be Elena like that? Don’t you-

-Damon slammed Matt to the floor Matt midsentence.

‘Oh, _that?’_ Damon snarled as Matt gasped for breath on the floor glaring up at him with a _what the fuck?_ expression on his beleaguered face. ‘That was for sleeping with my girl- or at least _thinking_  you were sleeping with my girl, _whatever_ -what?’ Damon asked the onlookers while grabbing Elena possessively, ‘He deserved that and he knows it,  _Elenas with me’._

‘Not for long if you don’t leave him alone’ Elena snapped shoving Damon as he smiled at her playfully pulling her back into his arms. His smile turning to a scowl as she shoved him aside to cradle Matt's head in her lap as he lay winded on the floor. ‘He's been through enough’.

‘Oh bitch you _need_ to **stop** ’, Katherine hissed ‘don’t you _dare_ go on like he suffered! I promise you he had the time of his life, best he's ever had, _You're just jealous, **admit it,**_ you're jealous because I rocked his world and you _know_ I was _so much better than you_. Come to think about it every man you’ve ever had is officially my cast-off, and you might have had Mattie first, _but I had him better_ , as for Damon and Stephan, please- they can’t get, or should I say _control_ me so they clamour after my pale imitation, they know I'm better than you and deep down little miss perfect, so do you, and _that’s_ what you can't stand, and when it comes to Matt, let’s be serious _I doubt you can handle it_ ’.

‘Do I even want to know what she's talking about?’ Damon growled eyeing Matt belligerently.

‘Oh you know what I'm talking about Damon, a certain shall we say horse like quality, but don’t worry baby you measure up okay… _if we dipped his in ice and shaved off a few inches all round that is’._

‘That’s really not important’ Alaric snapped.

‘Or Accurate’ Damon snarled.

‘I love the way sir-drinks-a-lot here gallantly swoops down in defence of your dick, _why it’s almost as if he’s seen it’._

‘I can defend my own dick and you know it! I can stand up to any man in this room- Donovan get it out if it's so damn impressive, _I bet you mine’s b-_

‘-Damon!’, Bonnie shouted ‘this isn’t the time-

‘-Oh look the only one who doesn’t know for sure speaks, I notice the two that do’ he hissed accusingly pointing at Elena and Caroline ‘aren't saying a damn word!’

‘Don’t get mad Damon’ Katherine simpered mockingly, ‘I mean it should have been obvious from the size of his feet, look at those things, don’t they just make you want to take a plaster cast and preserve them for science?’.

‘Shut up Katherine’ Matt growled.

‘Why are you mad? I'm giving you a compliment’.

‘No you're not, you're just trying to get under Damon’s Skin, I mean we have much bigger issues to discuss, **Are you even serious right now!** ’

‘I was discussing your bigger issues and yes I’m **deadly** **serious** , _I could barely walk when I left your house that morning’._

‘Oh, you mean the morning you let everyone see you leaving Matt’s house dressed as me, making it look like I spent the night with him’ Elena growled.

Katherine smile was a study in mock pleasantries ‘Yes, _that morning._ -Mattie, I have to say you are an _animal_. I never did understand why Elena ditched you, I mean it was before she met Stephan or Damon and got caught up in all the dopple-drama so I always wondered what gives, because who just let’s go of a boyfriend as hot as you? I get it now though; _no prude could face a beast like that every night’._

‘Oh you know what Katherine, that’s it, I’m done’.

‘Hurry back lover’, Katherine called gleefully as Matt glared at her and slammed his way out of the boarding house.

 _‘Hey take it easy on the door Donovan_ ’ Damon yelled, ‘It's an antique _and you're a peasant who can't afford the repairs’._

‘Wow Elena’, Katherine’s tone was pure mocking, ‘I've _literally_ never seen you this mad _and I killed your brother_ , way to make it all about you as always. I guess I really hit a nerve with the whole can't handle it thing, _little girl’._

‘No, not at all Elena ground’ out her face closed down and disturbingly blank ‘You're saying practice makes perfect, I get it, like Damon said, you do have five hundred years of giving it out to every passing sailor’.

‘Nice try sweetie, but I was frozen into immortality at the prime of my youth when I was even younger than you. I’d hardly had anything in the way of lovers at that point, _that came later,_ and I recovered nicely after giving birth as a healthy young body will, to put it frankly, I was frozen with a lush corseted body that had given life, I was at the peak of womanhood, they all know it, and believe me when I tell you sweetie, they still dream about how good it is with me, and when they're inside you, they think about how I can _wring_ _all_ the pleasure out of them. I think the adults in the room all know what I'm talking about’. Katherine smiled condescendingly, ‘I realise of course that doesn’t apply to you Elena, but that’s the difference between a sexual goddess and a repressed spoilt little princess, I mean do you even know how to be on top? how to _take_ pleasure, or do you just lie there stiff and repressed and let your vampire daddies do it for you, or should I say _to you-_ Come on _,_ don’t you ever wonder _why_ they think they like you more than me? I’ll tell you why little dopple-sister, it's because you're the sexually passive version of me, an inexperienced little girl their fragile egos can get their passive aggressive revenge on, a pathetic blow-up doll version of me incapable of truly giving as good as she gets’.

‘You're a real bitch you know that’ Damon hissed.

‘I'm just telling her the truth Damon', Katherine’s throaty voice was pure patronising, rasping sticky-sweet sugar. ‘ _Someone has too_ , and it certainly isn't going to be you or your brother, not when you’re having so much fun with the sexually inexperienced little girl version of me you can dominate because you can't have or handle the real thing’.

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about’, Damon growled.

‘Really? Because we both know there was a time when you would have given anything for this to be you, for you to have been the one-

‘-You're right’, Damon's voice was low and deadly serious which was never a good sign, ‘back when I thought you were human, I would have given anything, but you didn’t want me Katherine, you just wanted to play games with me and have my brother, so I traded up, so you can say what you want but she is better than you in _every_ way’.

Katherine smirked and held Damon’s gaze ‘… is she? remember who you're talking to Damon, she might be a better person, but a better lover? Let’s not play that game, she can’t win because I had you first, I took you, I _trained_ you, I made you _mine_ in _**every**_ way’.

‘Yeah you did, _so what_ , it was centuries ago Katherine, you could have shown me your ankles back then and I would have worshipped you forever, Elena snagged me in the age of thongs so think about that’.

‘No thanks’.

‘You're just bitter because you know you're all used up and nobody truly wants you, because you're a sad, pathetic, miserable, sadistic excuse for a person, you can only get someone to care about you by compelling them or tricking them like you did with Matt, what you did to him was no better than rape, you know damn well he would never have slept with you otherwise’.

‘Right, because Matt Donovan doesn't have Mommy and abandonment issues and certainly doesn’t make a habit of sleeping with women who try to kill him- oh wait he does, _all the time_ , in fact if you look at it I'm _exactly_ his type! So save the speech lover boy, it's not impressing Elena, _especially since she's finally starting to see the truth_.

‘Elena isn't listening to you-

‘-Why don’t you let her speak for herself Damon, my, my, what a tyrant you’ve turned into over the years… are you going to blame me for that too?’

Damon turned and looked at Elena recoiling at the look on her face ‘Hey, hey’ he crooned pulling her into his arms, ‘don’t let her get to you, you don’t have to stay and listen to this’.

‘Yeah, you just keep telling her what to do Damon, it's so cute when ostriches bury their head in the sand, -oh wait,  _it isn't_ , it's weird and awkward looking, _pretty much like you trying to pretend she's me in bed_ ’.

‘Oh my god Katherine let it go already’ Damon drawled sounding board, ‘You had your chance at me, you blew it, I killed you, can we move on?’

‘I will if you will lover’, Katherine sing-songed smiling mockingly.

‘Hey if you want I can just go over there and snap her neck' Damon crooned holding Elena. She's human now, it will take, I promise’.

‘ _I wouldn’t try it_ ’ Nadia rasped threateningly’.

‘We can't hurt her Damon’ Elena glared at Katherine ‘She has Matt's baby inside her, we have to think about him or her’.

‘You should listen to your blank copy of me Damon, I mean you can lie to her and Stephan and even to yourself but remember I had Stephan not that long ago, even like this he wanted me, and if I _really_ wanted I could have you any number of times since you learned I was out of the tomb, and before you start lying that I couldn’t just remember what almost happened before you got all whiney and "brief pause, just one question" on me, if you had just let go of your obsessive need to outshine your little brother we would have had a great time, and I can guarantee you wouldn't be clinging to a plain, scaled down copy of me _still_ desperately trying to be loved more than Stefan’.

-’Seriously Damon, I'm probably not long for this world thanks to you, so sniping aside for a minute, tell me what you really see in her, aside from her resemblance to me. I just don't get it. She's inexperienced, repressed, boring, self-righteous and those are her good qualities, because if you haven't noticed she makes _everything_ about her you must be as blind to her faults as you were to mine, although, have to say, that was one of my favourite things about my sweet Damon, how much you loved me was just _adorable_ , and you were willing to do whatever it took to please me. Truthfully you have me to thank for all that legendary tantric style stamina that brings all the girls to your bed, and not just the girls, right Damon? I mean you think I don’t know why Enzo’s got such a thing for you, I can just imagine the ways you rocked his world to pass the time when you stupidly got yourself captured and experimented on’. Damon rolled his eyes but didn’t deny it and Elena's mouth fell open.

‘Oh you didn’t get that Elena? See just what I'm talking about, you're a child compared to me- it’s a shame really Damon, I'm sure Elena would be thankful for your more advanced skill set if her limited skills were up to really handling you’.

‘Actually, Katherine you can climb off your high sex-guru horse, it was _Sage_ who taught me my best tricks, _not you’_.

‘Sage’ Katherine huffed, ‘of all the ungrateful posers, I taught her everything she knew and did I get so much as a thank you from her, or you for that matter’.

Damon’s eyes widened to their full crazy extent, ‘god is there anything you won't say, y _ou didn’t even **know** her’. _

‘Oh I **_knew_** her, inside and out. Who do you think sent her to you? I was hoping that fire in her could burn the stick out of your ass, don’t believe me? How do you think she just _happened_ to find you at the carnival that day?’

‘No, you're lying, _there’s no way you knew her’_.

‘Oh believe me Damon, I knew every inch of her’.

‘No I'm not buying it, _since when do you sleep with women?_ You're way to vain, _you couldn’t stand the competition_ ’.

‘Not my idea Damon; I’m sure I don’t have to tell you she liked girls, and she liked me, or at least who I was pretending to be at the time, Unfortunately demure, repressed and helpless was the absolute worst play with her because it got her savage Celtic beast out like nothing else could, put it this way, if she ever spent more than five minutes alone with your precious dopple-doll she would have ravaged that to oblivion. Now since I was basically playing you at the time, you know, buttoned down, judgemental, prudish and yet recklessly attracted to danger, just like the child you're clinging to right now whose wearing my face, she got seriously invested in getting me into bed, I tried to convince her it was all an act but she either didn't believe me or liked the idea of roleplay -anyway she was useful, I needed her help to get away from Klaus, and she hated him for what he did to Finn, she agreed to help me for a price, so I figured what the hell, pleasure is pleasure and believe me there is no having to fake it with another woman’.

‘You really expect me to believe this bullshit! A desperate girl on the run, a ravishing redhead who takes advantage of her plight and irresistible body, _please,_ even for you this is desperate Katherine’.

‘ _Deal with it Damon,_ I taught her most of the things she taught you, and before you start going on about how I never cared about you, remember I sent her to you so you'd give up your obsession with me, I told her to have fun training you, and knowing her she probably did; unfortunately, she was as obsessed with Finn Michelson as you were with me, so she couldn’t teach you to stop pining away when she never figured out how to do it herself’.

‘It's too ridiculous, you and Sage being lovers, _I don’t believe a word of it_ , so would you just stop already Katherine’.

‘Now _that_ sounds more like the Damon I know- Oh no please stop Miss Katherine, we shouldn’t without marriage Miss Katherine, oh _when_ will our wedding be Miss Katherine’.

‘Shut up’ Damon snapped, his face shut down, all traces of humour gone; ‘Just shut up Katherine. It was lifetimes ago and nobody cares’.

‘Given who you have on your arm and in your bed, or should I say who you and your brother have on your arms and in your beds, I think it’s pretty clear that you both still care, even though it kills you to admit it’. Katherine’s smile was slow and evil, ‘As for the _very true_ story about a certain redhead, I rocked her world, what can I say it's a gift, well that and always being one step ahead’.

‘Oh yeah, if you're so damn smart how come you got knocked up by a college boy?’

‘I'm sorry, since when did Matt go to College?’

‘You're not funny Katherine and clearly it doesn’t take a college degree to knock up a supposedly elusive smarty-pants who’s too stupid to remember that all naked human sex with blonde ex-jock leads to all human pregnancy’.

‘Oh my god are you going to hold one mistake over my head forever?’

Damon sighed. ‘I meant what I said before Elena, I can just go over there and snap her neck, _just say the word’_.

‘Anything to make her stop’ Jeremy moaned ‘it's like knives stabbing into my brain I mean I know she's not but she still looks exactly like my sister and I do not need to be hearing this’.

‘I agree’ Bonnie sighed, ‘but since there’s potentially an innocent child involved I'm going to go look at one of the spell books Ketsia left me while I wait for Tyler. Katherine things are bad enough as it is so just shut up about your damn sex life, it's gross and nobody wants to hear about’.

‘Right’. Jeremy hissed as Bonnie left muttering about being dragged into this in the first place.

‘Oh come on Don’t be such a prude little Gilbert or does being frigid run in the Gilbert side of the family, I bet it does, because you certainly didn’t inherit that from my genes’.

‘-Wait, I'm not related to you!’

Katherine smiled, ‘keep telling yourself that. Elena, you can trash talk all you want, but at the end of the day I'm better than you because _I just am little girl_ , and you're right, practice does make perfect, maybe you'll catch up to me in few centuries but I really doubt you're ever going to be as good as me’.

‘Will you get over yourself, Damon hissed’.

‘Are you going to deny it Damon?’ Katherine locked eyes with him, ‘you expect anyone to believe you waited a century, wreaked havoc and nearly killed Bonnie to get back a woman who was only passable in bed- no sweetie that’s what you have now, not what you had, she's just a pale imitation of me _and you know it’_.

‘Any day of the week she's better than you Katherine because Elena actually cares about other people’.

‘Blah, Blah, I care… some of the time, and nobody is saying I'm a better person than saint Elena, I'm just saying I'm better in bed, _because I am_ ’.

Elena glared at Damon and stamped out of the room, ‘yep definitely hit a nerve there, sorry Damon, did I just cause trouble in paradise?’ Damon glared at her and went after Elena.

‘Just you bide your time Stefan’, Katherine turned to him her eyes filled with malevolence and spiteful mischief. ‘If you play it just right you never know- I think those two are about to have one of their toxic fights, you know because she’s not me, and maybe when they break up for the fourth billionth time you can steal her back, maybe this evening when she inevitably comes weeping on your manly shoulder crying about how impossible bad boy Damon is, you can worm your way back in and be the better boyfriend; well, at least until you do something disappointing and I don’t know Ripper-like, then she’ll go back to Damon and you’ll get her back when Damon does something disappointingly Damon like, -like just now, when he should have been more emphatic about denying I was better, or maybe you know, _tried denying it at all’._

‘He didn’t want to dignify it Katherine, because he knows what he had with you doesn’t compare to what he has with her’.

‘I think you'll find that’s exactly what I've been saying’.

‘You wouldn’t understand Katherine you never have, Elena is not you, she's not second prize, she's a person in her own right, a good person, with people who love her,’.

‘I wouldn’t understand- oh you mean the bit where after being schooled by me, you’re now both taking turns schooling, sorry, _loving_ her and behaving like you didn’t learn everything you know about pleasure from me’.

‘Oh my god, will you stop, is everything about sex with you? I'm going to be sick’. Caroline moaned

‘I'm right with you’ Jeremy hissed

‘I am also starting to feel unwell’ Nadia sighed.

‘Katherine, seriously why would you do this?

Katherine turned to Alaric, ‘Not that it's any of your business Mr tall, occasionally psycho, original vampire slash vampire hunter, -now washed up, brooding, alcoholic, homoerotic drinking buddy of one Damon Salvatore. Did I miss anything out? No? Well not that it's any of your business Mr all of that, but Gregor was literally on a mission to kill me, so I stuck him first, he's the one that thought he would have some fun with your communally precious Elena, I just used his mistake to get to him, I'm human now remember, it's not like I could have taken him out in a damn fight, I did what I had to’.

‘And the rest?’ Matt barked slamming his way back into the boarding house.

‘I'm warning you for the last time Donovan’ Damon snapped entering the room with a stone faced Elena in tow, ‘the fact you knocked up Katherine is going to be the least of your problems if you break anything else around here, and no I haven’t forgotten that vase when you and your other lover Tyler were quote horsing around in here, that vase cost more than your house, car, and organs if we harvested them and sold them on the black market combined, _so watch it’._

‘Damon that’s enough’, Stefan’s voice was deceptively quiet ‘Katherine Matt asked you a question, he has a right to an answer’.

Katherine shrugged ‘Seemed like as good a thing to do as any at the time, you know bucket list and all’.

‘Are you serious’, Jeremy Bellowed.

‘Why are you even here? Katherine hissed, ‘why don’t you go help Bonnie maybe you can be useful and hold some books you should at least be able to do that, I mean you are all brawn right hunter boy?’

‘You're lucky you're not a vampire anymore or I swear-

‘What? you'd Hunter-Hulk out and try to kill Elena again, because I promise I will not get in the way of that- speaking of which did you ever wonder why you were so hell bent on killing Elena when big bad Damon got a pass, I mean I hear you never even looked at him threateningly, and then there's the thing where Bonnie just looks how can I say it delicately _unsatisfied_ , you know what you’re way to dense for delicate so I'm going to say it clearly. I don’t think you’ve been giving it to her the right way… or you know _at all_ , and it actually makes me a little sad for her, I really don’t think she gets it, no pun intended. But I do, sooo you know anything _Latent_ you might want to discuss with us, come on little Gilbert, confession is good for the soul- or so I’ve heard.

‘You're a

‘Let me guess, a dick?’

‘I'm gonna go help Bonnie’ Jeremy hissed ‘I can’t stand being near you, _and yes you are a dick’._

‘Really going to have to buy you a new insult little Gilbert- well atta-boy, go do something useful, because seriously, I have literally no idea why you're here, and I mean that in the cosmic sense’.

‘Matt's my friend you evil bitch, that's why I'm here, but I guess because you don’t have any friends you can't understand that’.

‘Oooh bitchy from little Gilbert, _I like;_ are you still mad at me because I killed you? Because Damon killed you and you forgave him… _but I guess that’s more of that latent thing’_

‘He's my sister’s boyfriend! Seriously what is wrong with you?’

‘Um, she's technically your cousin, and I’m getting a little tired of everyone in this room yelling that at me, it's not like I planned for this to happen, well the getting pregnant part anyway. So the ingenious Katherine Pierce makes one tiny human mistake _and you all lose your minds,_ was I supposed to think about birth control while doing everything I could to subdue my enemy?’

‘You know what Matt I'm going to let the whole, thought you were sleeping with Elena thing go because clearly you've suffered enough, you're about to become a daddy with Satan’s firstborn spawn good luck with that’. Damon clapped him on the back and poured him another drink.

Elena who had been suspiciously quiet for some time suddenly vamp sped Katherine out of the room as Nadia went chasing after them

‘ ** _You bitch_**!’ Elena hissed enraged.

‘Easy’ Katherine rasped gasping for breath ‘you can't choke a pregnant lady’.

Elena’s vampire face came out as Nadia shoved her into a wall, ‘I do not care how upset you are’, Nadia growled in her thickly accented voice, ‘you don't dare touch my mother’.

‘Oh I get it’, Katherine smiled rubbing her throat her eyes practically glowing as she locked eyes with her bitch of a doppelganger ‘ _you're jealous,_ I have the one thing Ms precious Elena who gets everything she wants can't have, and with the one guy you always pictured yourself having it with, because Damon and Stefan they’re fun but they can't give you this can they- and now that you're a vampire you can't ever have this’, Katherine rubbed her stomach slowly and smiled ‘and even if you miraculously get your hands on another cure, and even if one of those idiots decides to take it from you because you haven’t been a vampire long enough for rapid aging to affect you, let’s face it, neither Salvatore brother is exactly daddy material. I mean you never know when Stefan’s going to fall off the waggon and go on a ripper binge while you're going to be left literally holding the baby, that is if he hasn’t eaten-

Elena lunged at Katherine and Nadia slammed her back against the wall.

‘And Damon, well you're going to have to trust me on this one _way_ to many daddy issues, and mommy issues if I'm honest. If you actually met Giuseppe Salvatore like I did, of if Damon trusted you and opened up to you like he did me, you might understand, I guess you just don’t know him as well as you think you do’.

‘You're going to rot in hell Katherine a baby doesn’t change that!

‘Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t You know what I was resigned to dying anyway, sorry Nadia I really don’t think anything exists that can save me, but I’m not giving up, I’m going to live long enough to give this ridiculous thing in me a fighting chance, he or she’s a Petrova after all and we fight for survival. I know my daughter will take care of this baby even if I die after having it’.

‘I will’, Nadia muttered fiercely her eyes glowing with unshed tears. ‘I promise this’.

‘You see Elena, you, Damon, Stephan and the rest of them are wrong about me, I _do_ have family, I do have someone who loves me, and knowing I finally got one over on you- that you who has had the life I always wanted, finally got to know what it feels like to have someone else with your face have the things you think you deserve, well that, _that_ , I am going to savour even in the afterlife, and even if it's hell it will be as sweet as heaven because I finally beat you Elena Gilbert and there’s nothing you can do about it’. Katherine smirked and walked back into the Salvatore house as Nadia gave Elena a final threatening glare.


	5. Postface: What prompted this fic? Watched too much Deadpool and copped an attitude!

** What prompted this fic?  **

_This happened because I loved the accent the actor who plays Matt used to portray Gregor and it was nice to see Matt as a bit of badass rather than the perpetually_ _abused boy he always is._  
_So there I was thinking about what hot and dirty things could possibly ensure when a centuries old jaded pissed off traveller is jammed into a hot and adorable Matt suit_

_And this popped in my head so I wrote it because how could I not O.o?_

_Please enjoy, and tell me what you think! I'm hoping you're all like_

** curiobi **@ ~.~@** **

_Origionally the story ended with Katherine driving off in the sunset, but I kept thinking what if the elusive Katherine Peirce so into her subterfuge totally forgot a very important thing!_

_So the finsl chapter was born and could have been called Katherine vs Everybody! I wasn’t going to post it at first because I liked the way the story ended and felt I could just leave it there, but the story just wouldn't quit, it was all in my mind like "You know what people would say if that happened and what you're not going to let me have my say?!" I have no idea why Katherine was like Deadpool in my writer's mind that entire day, that's just how it went and it was annoying because I was trying to get some serious work done and all the while the story is like-_

_**"You really gonna fuck this up for me?!" ******_

So I paused, gave up, took an early lunch break, and while munching my delicious chicken wrap I was like hmmm, come to think of it Damon and Stefan are **total hypocrites** when it comes to Katherine. They are a couple of vampires pushing 200 years old but they _both_ just **_had_** to have at a 17-year-old who hadn’t as much as left her tiny town and had a grand total of one boyfriend in experience to compete with?

No seriously I'm supposed to believe both to them wanting to have Elena just had nothing to do with Katherine? Yeah right! I'm supposed to believe that just because they try to be good _some of the time_ that means there so much better thsn Katherine, excuse me, love both the characters, but they are genuine hardcore serial killers prone to extreme gratuitous violence. I'm not going to have moral lectures from the likes of them about sleeping with a teenager when they are all guilty of the same shady thing. So then I was like, **you're right Deadpool/Katherine**

_So I wrote the final chapter, again I'm hoping you're all like_

**curiobi **@ ~. ~@** **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Want some more good reading right now? Why not check out all of this ;D_
> 
> ###### 
> 
> Want to see a more innocent and less jaded version of Jeremy get well and truly dealt with by Kol? then why not try [_**All Work and No Play**_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7788868)
> 
> _There was no reason keeping tabs on Jeremy should be without its perks! After all, he was a handsome, one thousand years young vampire; blessed with good looks, charm, and a gift for finding all the best fun without ever having to try. and Jeremy Gilbert was just that kind of delicious thing he couldn't resist unwrapping and playing with._ 

> 
> ###### 
> 
> Why should Kol have all the fun with Jeremy? If you agree with Damon that Jeremy simply must be punished for his insolence try [_**Dominus**_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9574868/chapters/21650045)
> 
> _'So you laced my Bourbon with Vervain, whittled that big stick all by your lonesome, stole an Abercrombie and Fitch model's hoodie and came in here to kill me huh?'_ 

> 
> ###### 
> 
> Is the Bamon your thing? ;D Please check out [_**What Happens in the Prison World Stays in the Prison World**_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7787095)
> 
> _So Bonnie and Damon are all alone, in a prison world, alone... day after sexy day, night after sexy night, all alone... just saying_ 

> 
> ###### 
> 
> A little more Bamon? ;D [_**Fever of the Witch**_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7788322)
> 
> _Damon is Bonnie's BFF right? He loves her and she loves him, right? He has already proven he will do whatever it takes for her right?_ 

> 
> ###### 
> 
> Damon and Katherine and the insanity that is their relationship your thing?! Try [_**Kiss Me or Kill Me**_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7789843/chapters/21561650)
> 
> _Katherine was back in his life, smug, taunting, and getting to him, Elena is manipulating him, and Jeremy is foolish enough to cross him, right when he most needs to lash out the most_ 

> 
> ###### 
> 
> Still not sure I got what you need? Why not check out my [_**curiobi Master Fic List**_](http://fanficpics.wixsite.com/curiobi-fic-list)
> 
> There's a brief intro including a post ~~rant~~ about corporate a-holes trying to high jack our right to squee and ship who we want to! Then each chapter is a list of all my works in that particular Fandom. Please check it out I'm sure I have something for you gurl, and if not why not give me a prompt in the comments! ;D


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